@DaveTheAlbino: I've never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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@AristotlesNZ: In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
@AnOrangeSNES: *Lowers thermostat* *Dad puts it back* *Lowers thermostat again* *Dad puts it back again* The real Cold War
@Sean_Burgundy_: The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone
@tastefactory: BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn't have a hidden ponytail