I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I think we should hear other voices.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I can fix him.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]