I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
had to make it
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
why does this building look like a guilty dog
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year