I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
as is their right
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear