‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.