I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time