I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I already tried new things thanks.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM