I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*