I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.