I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.