I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
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Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.