@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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@SteelFontana: Bad: Getting bit by a spider... Worse: ...inside your mouth... Worst: ...while making out with someone.
@INandONyourMIND: I tell my daughter she has no idea how lucky she is. When I was 12, I had to use a pay phone and walk 10 miles in the snow to get weed
@GrantTanaka: son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
@flashember: [1st Day after wildebeests take over] I'm safe in my house [Day 7] Thought I heard clattering [Day 21] THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES