@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
@I_Mee_Myself_: My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren't drying I swear to god...
@remington3000: I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I'm going to pass them out to kids.
@SmokeyDokey43: 1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.