@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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@birbigs: New slogan for cats: "Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."
@murrman5: why does mommy cry when she cuts onions? "she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions"