I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
For those that worship cheese..