I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!