I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Please do it!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”