I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.