I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes