Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”