My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!