I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
technically true but not a great slogan
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.