*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
You Might Also Like
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.