They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Just a reminder, folks:
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Love this guy
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community