@CulturedRuffian: I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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@kathybotteas: If the emoji I wanna text is not in the "recently used," you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
@MelShutUp: Wow thank you so much for whistling at me, guy in Walmart. I've never felt more beautiful.
@Parentpains: "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it