I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch