I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ