I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
reviewed some movies recently
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too