I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Did my cat write this
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
hear me out : pockets for your socks
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them