I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
…żyje?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?