God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
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Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.