I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context