My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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Care for your back
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve