I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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I’ll be mad as hell!
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame