I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
pelicons
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.