I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I would like even faster food.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Said the murderer.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.