I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My daily affirmation
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?