Your mother has terrible taste in children.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.