I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
who wore it better?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
This raises questions
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit