[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.