“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*