I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed