I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to