I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
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My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.