I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
You Might Also Like
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.