I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.