I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
We’ve all been there…
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞