I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
man i love columbo
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.