I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
are there any atheist mantises?
A completely valid reaction tbh
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.