@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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@olerunkbitch: Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
@Bandersnaaatch: Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary. Please let her mean diary.
@SocialExtortion: fun prank: text a girl "we need to talk right now" and then throw your phone into a river