@MrFornicator: I've opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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@CauseWereGuys: I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
@nbadag: THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uh—failure
@GrowlyGrego: "Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible." -Low-hanging fruit