I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.