email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
the rocks need my help
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.