We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Thrilling chase underway
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.