I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!